Moving!

Alright, kids! The times, they are a-changin'! Once again!

Thanks to the amazing RichardDBartlett, carlybish.com is officially back! And with a sexy new look, I might add! Haha! So posting will proceed there. But do not fear! Okay, Sea Turtle. will continue as my personal vlog! As soon as I have the editing software, video postings will begin. Cool, huh? Yeah, I know. I'm excited about it too.

Thanks for sticking around so long! Such dedicated readership! Wow!

Glorious Times!

Richard D. Barlett is doing something special for me and you will all know what it is soon enough! Ah! It's so cool! How I love my new zealand friends and their amazing talents.

Sorry I haven't written as frequent in the last week. I've been really busy, but it's been the good kind of busy. Would you like to know what I've been up to? Yes, you would.

For instance, today was packed full of goodness. It started out early. I was up at the crack of dawn, 4:00am, to get ready for work. I picked George up from his place and we drove to the store, where we met Josh, the morning shift, and basically "went to battle", which is how I refer to the days I open at Starbucks. We walk toward the store building like we're waging war against it. Sometimes, in my stride to the front door, I will sometimes think to myself, Yeah, Store. Prepare to die. You can't handle this. Wow, you had no idea I was that dorky! Yeah, I really am.

It ended up being a really fun work day. It's always nice when things go great and everyone working together is having a good time, laughing and telling jokes and such. It's such a great place to work.

After that, George and I hung out on the patio at Starbucks, drinking our green tea lemonades and talking about the differences between ministry in southeast Tennessee compared to ministry back home. It was cool to talk about the good things and bad things about both. Mostly, it felt fantastic to sit out in the sunshine, enjoying the warm weather and feeling at peace with everything. Just talking. I didn't think it could get any better than that, really.

But then it did.

Later that afternoon, I met up with George again and we went to a pool party for the middle school ministry that George works for. It's quite possible that I may get involved in ministry at George's church somehow. He told me that there were a variety of areas in which I could help out, including the art ministry, maybe teaching art classes or something for the kids. At the very sound of "art ministry," I felt my heart inflate. It felt like God clasped my shoulders from behind and gave me a shake, saying, "You'd rock at that, Car!" Not to mention the fact that Donald Miller even writes about it in Blue Like Jazz, how he feels like every church should encourage art and creativity as a ministry. And I couldn't agree more!

Anyway! Pool party! It was so cool! We got there and people were only just arriving. After a while, the adults encouraged everyone to jump in, but no one did. Someone mentioned something about "who was brave enough to get in first" and I figured I was. So I jumped off the diving board, having not jumped off a diving board since I was about 7, and ended up being "the first" one in the pool. And it felt fantastic. For the rest of the night, I dove and dove off the board, all the while hanging out with the kids and getting to know everybody. It was so beautiful.

To really top it all off, after taking George home, being thoroughly exhausted from all the fun we had at the party, I made one last stop to Starbucks to say "hey" to my best bud, Christy-Anne. While I was there, I ran into Ed, who has been my spiritual mentor since I moved out here. He's probably known me the longest amongst my friends here in Tennessee, and so he would definitely notice differences in my demeanor faster than people who've only known me in the last five or six months.

I was telling him about my life as of late, how awesome God has been in healing my brokeness, and he said something that absolutely made my whole day, week, and possibly month! It was such a blessing to hear him say it. He told me, "I've got to be honest with you, Carly. I feel like I'm meeting you for the first time. This is the Carly I've been waiting to see. I've never seen you this vibrant and you're smiling so big lately. It's like, 'There you are! Where have you been?!' I love it." Once again, here was a moment when a good friend was reflecting back to me what I really wanted to believe was happening to me. The fact that other people have been noticing these things has been such an encouragment and affirmation to the fact that God really helps to raise from ashes what has been broken and burned.

I wish I could go into all the stuff that I went through in the last year and a half, but it feels so far behind compared to how far I've come in just the last five months. I don't even need to revisit it, because it almost feels like it didn't happen. It did happen and I have become so strong from it, learned so much from it, become a better person for it, but I don't have to revisit it or dwell in it. It was good and bad and altogether crazy, but I'm through it and I am restored and am continously renewed everyday. It's been incredible.

So, okay. I know I keep promising video, especially since I have my camera now. But I still need to get ahold of Christy-Anne's iBook for editing purposes. As soon as I've done that, I'll post. Sometime this week. I promise. Or at least, I will try to promise.

Currently listening to:

Anathallo
Floating World

Can I just point out the fact that the above album cover is one of the coolest and prettiest I've ever seen? Okay then, I've pointed it out.

Email from Dad.

My dad is hilarious. He wrote the following in response to my admitting to the fact I'd sneaked out of my parents' house when I was in high school. However, I'd used the word "snuck" instead of "sneaked" and then he wrote back...

Being a writer, we should be clear here. The word is "sneaked" not "snuck." There is no such word as "snuck". Just like there is no such word as "pled"--it's "pleaded".

That's your English lesson for today.

Oh, and speech that of, I mostly forgetted to say you! Next time you gone to here, I could come to Seattle and you to make pictures! Mostly goodness? Dang good speakage, huh? I telled you then!

him.

Music is Beautiful!

Christy-Anne and I saw Imogen Heap in Atlanta last night. She was incredible. Not to mention hilarious! That is one of the funniest, most clever British girls I've ever come across! She seemed like the type of girl that I would hang out with. She had a "non-Rock Star" personality, which is the best kind of Rock Star there is! And her opening act was amazing too! She was a cellist named Zoë Keating. I recorded most of the show. I will post clips when I've had a chance to utilize Christy-Anne's iBook for mass quanitities of editing. You will enjoy that, I'm sure!

Also, we went to Ikea. Christy-Anne had never been. She was amazed at it all. And I was glad. Ikea is total Carly-territory. And every chance I get to take someone into Carly-territory is one I love and appreciate. I don't get many of those.

In other news, my friend Austin Foxley, who I haven't seen or talked to in ages, compared the track Jeremy and I wrote to Iron & Wine and a band called Cloud Cult. I hadn't heard of Cloud Cult, so I checked them out. Amazing stuff. So needless to say, I was extremely flattered. I can't wait to get the whole track recorded and share it with you all. It looks very promising.

I have today off from work, so I'm working on getting my place cleaned up. This is fun for me. Don't ask why, it just is.

Fun, So Fun!

Have I mentioned how happy I am that this is the girl I'm going to move in with this summer? Okay, well, I am so, so, so happy that this is the girl I'm going to move in with this summer! She is so amazing! I can't even describe to you how amazing she is. And I have footage of her amazingness now. Once I've figured out how to edit the video, I'll post her wondrous self for all to view. Did I also mention she's hilarious? Okay, well, she is. She has brought so much joy and happiness into my life, I can't even tell you. It's almost too much.

This Thursday, our friend from work, Beth, is throwing a "tea party" of sorts for all the girls from the 'Bucks. So this morning, Christy-Anne and I got together with her and headed to the Salvation Army, as well as the Goodwill, to see if we could find any cool, vintage style dresses. Because all the girls decided it would be best if we "dressed to impress." Unfortunately, I don't own a single dress, so I had to go out and look for one. But I think I actually found one! One that would look good with a hardy pair of jeans. It needs a little altering, but Christy-Anne also has a sewing machine, so it should be fine.

Either way. It was so fun just rummaging through all these old dresses and trinkets and finding really funny things. Christy-Anne even found this old flower-power dress... It was ridiculous but beautiful and she had to get it. It was simply too good to pass up. Especially when it fit her so well.

I'll be honest--and this'll make you all happy to read--I've had about the happiest week of my Tennessee life. It's been absolutely amazing and beautiful and magical and fantastic and I couldn't be happier. I have been humbled and graced by God's undeserved blessings and rewards. I was hurting so badly only months ago, but he has healed me in such a way I cannot describe and brought incredible people into my life on top of it all!

Thank you, thank you, God. No, seriously.

Currently reading:

Hannah Hurnard
Hind's Feet on High Places

Record Worthy!

I told my music buddy Jeremy that if I'm going to write music, I want to write something that would sound good if you listened to vinyl records.

He couldn't agree more.

And we wrote the following together. I have never wanted to share my music with the world so badly. My vocals haven't been laid down yet and this is only the verse. But it's a great preview for what's to come!

Oh.

It's Storming Outside.

But it's warm in my heart.

And besides.

I really like the rain.

I Got My Camera.

So I've been pouring my heart out for the last several weeks and haven't heard much back from you and I'll have you know this is the first time in five years I've ever complained about lack of feedback. But you know what? I kinda need it right now, so don't be hatin'!

Maybe you'll all find everything more interesting now since I bought this bitchin' item. Can you say... vlog?

Alright, Fine.

I'll just shut up.

I'm Only A Day Away.

I'm not sure what it is, but I'd like to think that God has done a really awesome job at restoring my spirit. While I've had a tendency to complicate things with my own meandering thoughts, He still manages to get through to me in one form or another. Through my dreams or the things friends say or even in a passing thought.

Today, I had complicated things in my own head. Wondered if I'd done anything right or made any kind of progress up to now. I'd started analyzing myself: Am I a capable, independent person, able to make any right choices, improving my current circumstances?

The answer is yes, yes I am. What I've come to realize is that I have consistently confused homesickness for weakness. But being homesick isn't weakness. If anything, being homesick is simply a condition of the heart--a truth--but unlike weakness, it doesn't cause me to stumble. It just causes me to think about my family and friends and reminds me of how much I love them. If anything, homesickness is strength. Because each day I spend out here, doing what I feel called to, I become stronger and more empowered to keep going, rather then pack up my things and go home.

A friend from school came into work today, someone I hadn't seen in at least two weeks, if not more. He took one look at me and with a shocked expression, said to me, "Wow, Carly. You... look like you've slept."

While that may seem like an unusual thing to say as a greeting, it was very well received. Because this friend was someone who saw me every week in Public Speaking during the last semester, at which time I hardly bothered with my appearance or with what we had planned that day. The only time I ever showed up looking decent for class (hair done, a little makeup), was when I was actually doing any public speaking. This person had noticed I was having a difficult time, struggling emotionally, listening as I was always requesting for prayer. Eventually, he followed me out of class one day and offered any support. It was very sweet... And he'd checked up on me ever since.

I laughed, sounding thankful, and replied to him, "Yeah, I know! I feel a lot better!"

And it suddenly hit me--I feel a lot better.

"I can tell..." my friend said, somewhat astounded. "I can't believe the color in your cheeks. You look amazing."

I think sometimes we need another person for us to become aware of our own reflection. They mirror what exactly it is we've become and for that, I'm deeply thankful. Sometimes, I just need someone else to notice how I'm doing, feeling, looking... And it was apparent to my friend that I had made a lot of progress since the last time he'd seen me. But since school let out, I've had time to cope with everything I'd gone through since January. And even embrace them. I just hadn't realized how well I'd done at getting better, but that was largely due to how there are still brief and sporatic moments when I feel like glass.

The truth is that girls are made of glass, I think. The difference is that there are times when a girl is placed on a solid, level surface and sits completely stable. At other times, she's closer to the edge of something, at risk of falling and breaking, or even shattering. I guess, what I mean to say is that I was teetering off an edge somewhere two months ago, but I've gradually declined from that ledge.

But even more, God spoke to me through another friend. Reminding me that I'm still growing, blossoming... Becoming something really beautiful in God's eyes. And that's all that really matters in the end.

And so I really do feel a lot better. So much better. More stable. More confident. More self-assured. While still experiencing moments of insecurity, appropriate for someone who feels like a flower whose pedals might be a little too flashy to show off just yet. For now, I'll remain withdrawn a little while longer, waiting for a bright shining day to open up and say, "This is me! Just me!"

You know what's cool though? Is that each day that passes, I feel more and more prepared to take on the whole world.

Christy-Anne even said to me today, "Dude, Car, you rock! As long as you know that in your heart, you're golden!"

Oh my gosh, I love her.

"Goodnight, Sisty Friend."

Via MSN Messenger (translated, but it still won't make much sense.)

Cassie: Love love love. (I love you.)
carly: Love love and more love. (I love you too.)
Cassie: but seriously. stay furry (Seriously, you are awesome.)
carly: Oh, I will. You too. (You are too.)
Cassie: remember, if you're feeling low. Think of how furry you really are. (When you feel down, remember how great you really are.)
carly: Aww... Thanks. (Aww... Thanks.)
Cassie: and that you're made of pure white gold and you're our freakin' lil sisty friend (You have a good heart and you're a great sister.)
carly: Thank you, sisty friend. (Thanks, Cass.)
Cassie: nighty night sisty baht. sisty BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHT (Goodnight, Car!)
carly: Night! (Baaaaaaaahhhhht!!) (Goodnight, Cass!)

Ponderings.

I'm starting to dislike the night. Normally, this is the time I thrive. But now, it's simply the time I have to sit up, awake, and think about how alone I am. Missing my family, missing my friends, wondering when I'm going to get to see everyone again. I know this summer is going to be great and I'm excited for it, but there will always be the part of me that is homesick and longing for everything I know that feels familiar.

Yup. Tennessee still doesn't feel familiar to me. It's sad. I try to embrace it, but I find myself driving down the roads in town and when I see children playing outside, I can actually feel myself pitying them... I feel bad that they have to grow up here. I know that's terrible of me. Why do I make it out to be so bad when I know it's not? I really don't know. I'm just homesick. That has to be what it is. My homesickness magnifies every little thing I don't like and makes it out to be so much worse than it actually is. I wish I could quit it.

I'm thinking about what Dan told me. "Give it time," he said. "It'll hurt like crazy for a month, at least. I promise. No sugar coating, it'll sting everyday."

He was right. Even on the great days, it still burns. And I will long for God to sweep in and perform plastic surgery on my spirit. A quick fix. But we all know, underneath it all, it still hurts.

Luckily for me, Dan finished his thought, "But that stinging will transform into thoughts about yourself and how to act to a future person of amazing caliber, and then you'll be sweet with someone new. I've learnt so much from being alone..."

Such wisdom out of New Zealand. Where did it all come from?

Anyway. Here's what the summer line-up looks like right now.

May 19-20, Christy-Anne and I will see Imogen Heap at the Variety Playhouse in Atlanta, then stay overnight to spend the next day running around chaotically all over Atlanta and laughing the whole time.

June 7-11, A few days in South Georgia at a Youth Camp with George, who is lovely. I'm nervous, but totally pumped about it.

Late June sometime, Mom will come to visit for a week or so. We'll go shopping and we'll throw a party at some point and invite all my friends from work so they can meet her. Because she's hilarious.

July 4, Independence Day, Something magical will happen on this day. I promise you. I don't even know what it'll be yet, but I guarantee it'll be absolutely amazing.

Late July (third or fourth week), Christy-Anne, George, Jeanette and I will drive to Virginia Beach and learn ourselves how to surf. I've heard the waves aren't too great, but it'll be enough to figure it out for ourselves. Hopefully, a sunburn will be subscribed to at this point. I miss feeling sunburnt. The kind that makes you warm all over, even when you've gone to bed for the night. A great feeling.

I'm going to try and fill in the gaps between these events. Hopefully, with pictures and time spent doing things besides hanging out in my apartment, watching rented movies from Blockbuster. I was going to go to the Bonnaroo festival and see Radiohead and Death Cab for Cutie and I believed it was going to be great, but I've talked to some people and they've all advised that going alone wouldn't be the safest thing to do. Since Radiohead and Death Cab will most likely be around for quite some time, I've decided to put my ticket up for sale on eBay. Which is pretty cool, because I could use that money for the other things I plan to do this summer. It is sad though... To miss Radiohead... sigh...

Okay, so, moving on.

Tomorrow, after work, if it's not raining, I'm going to go to the park and stare up at the sky and force myself to have faith that I still play an important role in the story God is writing for my life.

Currently listening to:

Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Show Your Bones

The Rain in Spain.

Isn't she lovely?

Stephanie is coming back to the States in a mere two weeks. She's been in Spain now for nearly five months. I can't imagine how much she's learned or how many memories she's bringing back with her, but wow...

She is so great. I am glad to call her "best friend." The reason I am thinking about this is because I was hanging out late with a friend of mine the other night, reminiscing and telling each other stories from our pasts. Stories from high school and youth group and I cannot recall many high school memories where Stephanie wasn't there, involved in some way or other. We were each other's sidekicks and it was the best way to be.

Stephanie and I are harmonious in friendship. Simultaneously beautiful when put together in the same place.

Come home safe, Steph.

I Love My Friends.

I just do.

Hahaha.

I love that my Google Ads have links related to nothing else but relationships. That's great.

"Need relationship help? Click on this link and we'll solve all your problems!"

I, on the other hand, recommend not clicking on the links. Most likely, they'll only redirect you to an online dating service that will charge you $75 for three months to upload a picture of yourself and enlist some profile for guys who sit at home sifting through potential dates instead of heading down to their local bookstore or coffee shop and checking out the girls there.

Of course, if you do click on the links, a quarter of a penny goes into an account somewhere and eventually, will add up to enough that Google will cut me a check.

Either way, I doubt my site or any other will have any solid dating advice.

Just do the best you can is all I can say.

Why My Brother Is Amazing.

My brother's rendition of Ben Folds' "Philosophy," the crazy iTunes version with all the amazing solos. He played this for his church's talent show, where nine other acts played, and he won the whole thing. Plus $50 bucks to a music store. Not bad!

Body and Soul.

I will not hesitate to say that I watched Pride & Prejudice three times today. I'd gone to Blockbuster last night and rented three movies (can you say "bored?") and returned that night to watch them all. I started with Shopgirl, then watched Proof, and saved Pride & Prejudice for last. I enjoyed each movie, but it was Pride & Prejudice that had me enraptured so completely.

In perfect honesty, I've been mostly turned off of romantic ideas. The reason for this is definitely due to fear. I'm sure I wrote about this same subject a couple years ago. Afraid of romance, afraid of love, afraid of inevitable pain and rejection. I know it's a terrible way to view relationships, but I think it's the natural reaction for nearly all who have experienced one or the other. It's an easy way to be when most of one's leisure time is spent alone, which tends to allow the mind to rehash negative histories, not all of them recent, many of them ancient.

Of course, I have never sworn off love or romance or flirting and I intend to partake in all when the timings are right. While my willingness to be vulnerable is no less than before, being hurt so forthright does make it extremely difficult to trust at times. But like I said, I've always thought having the ability to be vulnerable with people is a virtue.

The thing about Pride & Prejudice is that it places the subjects of love and romance in such contrasting societal settings as we experience love and romance today, you can't help noticing how truly beautiful real love is and real romance. Like that spark you feel the first time a man's hand touches yours and you can't help thinking about it for the rest of the day, even if it was unromantic in gesture. Or a moment when you stand close enough to kiss but don't. That closeness... Pride & Prejudice examines it under a whimsical microscope and it all comes into focus so clearly.

I'll be honest with you. I was told something around the New Year that caused me to doubt what true love can be and its potential. Somehow, I gave the naive impression that I believed a true fulfilling love between two people never experiences an argument or goes through any sort of struggle, but that's not the case at all. Regarding what may be the negative side to a relationship, I suppose I thought it should be almost endearing. Like, even arguing can make you love that person more because doing so only means you're getting to know them more, and when you truly know someone and love them for everything you know, good and bad, is what true love is. Because when you truly love someone, you love them in whole, not in partiality.

Somehow, this ideology of mine was disturbedly shaken, but I'm reclaiming it. How could I be wrong for believing this way when every romantic movie, book, or song testifies to the same belief in love? Surely, there is some truth to it, if not a great deal. And I'm sure there isn't only one kind of true love. I'm sure there are several different types. But I always sought a certain one, most likely because it seemed most suitable for me.

I guess I'm simply a hopeless romantic, even with a heart so bruised. Bitterness or resentment have no lasting power with me. Which was why I watched a movie like Pride & Prejudice three times in one day. It felt so good to see something and believe in it so wholeheartedly.

It comes highly recommended to all hopeless romantics.

Forgive my sentimentality or idealist views, while they are sincere. I know these things can be hard to digest. It's that way even for me, and I'm the one spouting them out.