Ponderings.
I'm starting to dislike the night. Normally, this is the time I thrive. But now, it's simply the time I have to sit up, awake, and think about how alone I am. Missing my family, missing my friends, wondering when I'm going to get to see everyone again. I know this summer is going to be great and I'm excited for it, but there will always be the part of me that is homesick and longing for everything I know that feels familiar.
Yup. Tennessee still doesn't feel familiar to me. It's sad. I try to embrace it, but I find myself driving down the roads in town and when I see children playing outside, I can actually feel myself pitying them... I feel bad that they have to grow up here. I know that's terrible of me. Why do I make it out to be so bad when I know it's not? I really don't know. I'm just homesick. That has to be what it is. My homesickness magnifies every little thing I don't like and makes it out to be so much worse than it actually is. I wish I could quit it.
I'm thinking about what Dan told me. "Give it time," he said. "It'll hurt like crazy for a month, at least. I promise. No sugar coating, it'll sting everyday."
He was right. Even on the great days, it still burns. And I will long for God to sweep in and perform plastic surgery on my spirit. A quick fix. But we all know, underneath it all, it still hurts.
Luckily for me, Dan finished his thought, "But that stinging will transform into thoughts about yourself and how to act to a future person of amazing caliber, and then you'll be sweet with someone new. I've learnt so much from being alone..."
Such wisdom out of New Zealand. Where did it all come from?
Anyway. Here's what the summer line-up looks like right now.
May 19-20, Christy-Anne and I will see Imogen Heap at the Variety Playhouse in Atlanta, then stay overnight to spend the next day running around chaotically all over Atlanta and laughing the whole time.
June 7-11, A few days in South Georgia at a Youth Camp with George, who is lovely. I'm nervous, but totally pumped about it.
Late June sometime, Mom will come to visit for a week or so. We'll go shopping and we'll throw a party at some point and invite all my friends from work so they can meet her. Because she's hilarious.
July 4, Independence Day, Something magical will happen on this day. I promise you. I don't even know what it'll be yet, but I guarantee it'll be absolutely amazing.
Late July (third or fourth week), Christy-Anne, George, Jeanette and I will drive to Virginia Beach and learn ourselves how to surf. I've heard the waves aren't too great, but it'll be enough to figure it out for ourselves. Hopefully, a sunburn will be subscribed to at this point. I miss feeling sunburnt. The kind that makes you warm all over, even when you've gone to bed for the night. A great feeling.
I'm going to try and fill in the gaps between these events. Hopefully, with pictures and time spent doing things besides hanging out in my apartment, watching rented movies from Blockbuster. I was going to go to the Bonnaroo festival and see Radiohead and Death Cab for Cutie and I believed it was going to be great, but I've talked to some people and they've all advised that going alone wouldn't be the safest thing to do. Since Radiohead and Death Cab will most likely be around for quite some time, I've decided to put my ticket up for sale on eBay. Which is pretty cool, because I could use that money for the other things I plan to do this summer. It is sad though... To miss Radiohead... sigh...
Okay, so, moving on.
Tomorrow, after work, if it's not raining, I'm going to go to the park and stare up at the sky and force myself to have faith that I still play an important role in the story God is writing for my life.
Yup. Tennessee still doesn't feel familiar to me. It's sad. I try to embrace it, but I find myself driving down the roads in town and when I see children playing outside, I can actually feel myself pitying them... I feel bad that they have to grow up here. I know that's terrible of me. Why do I make it out to be so bad when I know it's not? I really don't know. I'm just homesick. That has to be what it is. My homesickness magnifies every little thing I don't like and makes it out to be so much worse than it actually is. I wish I could quit it.
I'm thinking about what Dan told me. "Give it time," he said. "It'll hurt like crazy for a month, at least. I promise. No sugar coating, it'll sting everyday."
He was right. Even on the great days, it still burns. And I will long for God to sweep in and perform plastic surgery on my spirit. A quick fix. But we all know, underneath it all, it still hurts.
Luckily for me, Dan finished his thought, "But that stinging will transform into thoughts about yourself and how to act to a future person of amazing caliber, and then you'll be sweet with someone new. I've learnt so much from being alone..."
Such wisdom out of New Zealand. Where did it all come from?
Anyway. Here's what the summer line-up looks like right now.
May 19-20, Christy-Anne and I will see Imogen Heap at the Variety Playhouse in Atlanta, then stay overnight to spend the next day running around chaotically all over Atlanta and laughing the whole time.
June 7-11, A few days in South Georgia at a Youth Camp with George, who is lovely. I'm nervous, but totally pumped about it.
Late June sometime, Mom will come to visit for a week or so. We'll go shopping and we'll throw a party at some point and invite all my friends from work so they can meet her. Because she's hilarious.
July 4, Independence Day, Something magical will happen on this day. I promise you. I don't even know what it'll be yet, but I guarantee it'll be absolutely amazing.
Late July (third or fourth week), Christy-Anne, George, Jeanette and I will drive to Virginia Beach and learn ourselves how to surf. I've heard the waves aren't too great, but it'll be enough to figure it out for ourselves. Hopefully, a sunburn will be subscribed to at this point. I miss feeling sunburnt. The kind that makes you warm all over, even when you've gone to bed for the night. A great feeling.
I'm going to try and fill in the gaps between these events. Hopefully, with pictures and time spent doing things besides hanging out in my apartment, watching rented movies from Blockbuster. I was going to go to the Bonnaroo festival and see Radiohead and Death Cab for Cutie and I believed it was going to be great, but I've talked to some people and they've all advised that going alone wouldn't be the safest thing to do. Since Radiohead and Death Cab will most likely be around for quite some time, I've decided to put my ticket up for sale on eBay. Which is pretty cool, because I could use that money for the other things I plan to do this summer. It is sad though... To miss Radiohead... sigh...
Okay, so, moving on.
Tomorrow, after work, if it's not raining, I'm going to go to the park and stare up at the sky and force myself to have faith that I still play an important role in the story God is writing for my life.
Currently listening to:
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Show Your Bones
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Show Your Bones
posted by carlybish at 1:01 AM
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