Body and Soul.

I will not hesitate to say that I watched Pride & Prejudice three times today. I'd gone to Blockbuster last night and rented three movies (can you say "bored?") and returned that night to watch them all. I started with Shopgirl, then watched Proof, and saved Pride & Prejudice for last. I enjoyed each movie, but it was Pride & Prejudice that had me enraptured so completely.

In perfect honesty, I've been mostly turned off of romantic ideas. The reason for this is definitely due to fear. I'm sure I wrote about this same subject a couple years ago. Afraid of romance, afraid of love, afraid of inevitable pain and rejection. I know it's a terrible way to view relationships, but I think it's the natural reaction for nearly all who have experienced one or the other. It's an easy way to be when most of one's leisure time is spent alone, which tends to allow the mind to rehash negative histories, not all of them recent, many of them ancient.

Of course, I have never sworn off love or romance or flirting and I intend to partake in all when the timings are right. While my willingness to be vulnerable is no less than before, being hurt so forthright does make it extremely difficult to trust at times. But like I said, I've always thought having the ability to be vulnerable with people is a virtue.

The thing about Pride & Prejudice is that it places the subjects of love and romance in such contrasting societal settings as we experience love and romance today, you can't help noticing how truly beautiful real love is and real romance. Like that spark you feel the first time a man's hand touches yours and you can't help thinking about it for the rest of the day, even if it was unromantic in gesture. Or a moment when you stand close enough to kiss but don't. That closeness... Pride & Prejudice examines it under a whimsical microscope and it all comes into focus so clearly.

I'll be honest with you. I was told something around the New Year that caused me to doubt what true love can be and its potential. Somehow, I gave the naive impression that I believed a true fulfilling love between two people never experiences an argument or goes through any sort of struggle, but that's not the case at all. Regarding what may be the negative side to a relationship, I suppose I thought it should be almost endearing. Like, even arguing can make you love that person more because doing so only means you're getting to know them more, and when you truly know someone and love them for everything you know, good and bad, is what true love is. Because when you truly love someone, you love them in whole, not in partiality.

Somehow, this ideology of mine was disturbedly shaken, but I'm reclaiming it. How could I be wrong for believing this way when every romantic movie, book, or song testifies to the same belief in love? Surely, there is some truth to it, if not a great deal. And I'm sure there isn't only one kind of true love. I'm sure there are several different types. But I always sought a certain one, most likely because it seemed most suitable for me.

I guess I'm simply a hopeless romantic, even with a heart so bruised. Bitterness or resentment have no lasting power with me. Which was why I watched a movie like Pride & Prejudice three times in one day. It felt so good to see something and believe in it so wholeheartedly.

It comes highly recommended to all hopeless romantics.

Forgive my sentimentality or idealist views, while they are sincere. I know these things can be hard to digest. It's that way even for me, and I'm the one spouting them out.