I'm Only A Day Away.
I'm not sure what it is, but I'd like to think that God has done a really awesome job at restoring my spirit. While I've had a tendency to complicate things with my own meandering thoughts, He still manages to get through to me in one form or another. Through my dreams or the things friends say or even in a passing thought.
Today, I had complicated things in my own head. Wondered if I'd done anything right or made any kind of progress up to now. I'd started analyzing myself: Am I a capable, independent person, able to make any right choices, improving my current circumstances?
The answer is yes, yes I am. What I've come to realize is that I have consistently confused homesickness for weakness. But being homesick isn't weakness. If anything, being homesick is simply a condition of the heart--a truth--but unlike weakness, it doesn't cause me to stumble. It just causes me to think about my family and friends and reminds me of how much I love them. If anything, homesickness is strength. Because each day I spend out here, doing what I feel called to, I become stronger and more empowered to keep going, rather then pack up my things and go home.
A friend from school came into work today, someone I hadn't seen in at least two weeks, if not more. He took one look at me and with a shocked expression, said to me, "Wow, Carly. You... look like you've slept."
While that may seem like an unusual thing to say as a greeting, it was very well received. Because this friend was someone who saw me every week in Public Speaking during the last semester, at which time I hardly bothered with my appearance or with what we had planned that day. The only time I ever showed up looking decent for class (hair done, a little makeup), was when I was actually doing any public speaking. This person had noticed I was having a difficult time, struggling emotionally, listening as I was always requesting for prayer. Eventually, he followed me out of class one day and offered any support. It was very sweet... And he'd checked up on me ever since.
I laughed, sounding thankful, and replied to him, "Yeah, I know! I feel a lot better!"
And it suddenly hit me--I feel a lot better.
"I can tell..." my friend said, somewhat astounded. "I can't believe the color in your cheeks. You look amazing."
I think sometimes we need another person for us to become aware of our own reflection. They mirror what exactly it is we've become and for that, I'm deeply thankful. Sometimes, I just need someone else to notice how I'm doing, feeling, looking... And it was apparent to my friend that I had made a lot of progress since the last time he'd seen me. But since school let out, I've had time to cope with everything I'd gone through since January. And even embrace them. I just hadn't realized how well I'd done at getting better, but that was largely due to how there are still brief and sporatic moments when I feel like glass.
The truth is that girls are made of glass, I think. The difference is that there are times when a girl is placed on a solid, level surface and sits completely stable. At other times, she's closer to the edge of something, at risk of falling and breaking, or even shattering. I guess, what I mean to say is that I was teetering off an edge somewhere two months ago, but I've gradually declined from that ledge.
But even more, God spoke to me through another friend. Reminding me that I'm still growing, blossoming... Becoming something really beautiful in God's eyes. And that's all that really matters in the end.
And so I really do feel a lot better. So much better. More stable. More confident. More self-assured. While still experiencing moments of insecurity, appropriate for someone who feels like a flower whose pedals might be a little too flashy to show off just yet. For now, I'll remain withdrawn a little while longer, waiting for a bright shining day to open up and say, "This is me! Just me!"
You know what's cool though? Is that each day that passes, I feel more and more prepared to take on the whole world.
Christy-Anne even said to me today, "Dude, Car, you rock! As long as you know that in your heart, you're golden!"
Oh my gosh, I love her.
Today, I had complicated things in my own head. Wondered if I'd done anything right or made any kind of progress up to now. I'd started analyzing myself: Am I a capable, independent person, able to make any right choices, improving my current circumstances?
The answer is yes, yes I am. What I've come to realize is that I have consistently confused homesickness for weakness. But being homesick isn't weakness. If anything, being homesick is simply a condition of the heart--a truth--but unlike weakness, it doesn't cause me to stumble. It just causes me to think about my family and friends and reminds me of how much I love them. If anything, homesickness is strength. Because each day I spend out here, doing what I feel called to, I become stronger and more empowered to keep going, rather then pack up my things and go home.
A friend from school came into work today, someone I hadn't seen in at least two weeks, if not more. He took one look at me and with a shocked expression, said to me, "Wow, Carly. You... look like you've slept."
While that may seem like an unusual thing to say as a greeting, it was very well received. Because this friend was someone who saw me every week in Public Speaking during the last semester, at which time I hardly bothered with my appearance or with what we had planned that day. The only time I ever showed up looking decent for class (hair done, a little makeup), was when I was actually doing any public speaking. This person had noticed I was having a difficult time, struggling emotionally, listening as I was always requesting for prayer. Eventually, he followed me out of class one day and offered any support. It was very sweet... And he'd checked up on me ever since.
I laughed, sounding thankful, and replied to him, "Yeah, I know! I feel a lot better!"
And it suddenly hit me--I feel a lot better.
"I can tell..." my friend said, somewhat astounded. "I can't believe the color in your cheeks. You look amazing."
I think sometimes we need another person for us to become aware of our own reflection. They mirror what exactly it is we've become and for that, I'm deeply thankful. Sometimes, I just need someone else to notice how I'm doing, feeling, looking... And it was apparent to my friend that I had made a lot of progress since the last time he'd seen me. But since school let out, I've had time to cope with everything I'd gone through since January. And even embrace them. I just hadn't realized how well I'd done at getting better, but that was largely due to how there are still brief and sporatic moments when I feel like glass.
The truth is that girls are made of glass, I think. The difference is that there are times when a girl is placed on a solid, level surface and sits completely stable. At other times, she's closer to the edge of something, at risk of falling and breaking, or even shattering. I guess, what I mean to say is that I was teetering off an edge somewhere two months ago, but I've gradually declined from that ledge.
But even more, God spoke to me through another friend. Reminding me that I'm still growing, blossoming... Becoming something really beautiful in God's eyes. And that's all that really matters in the end.
And so I really do feel a lot better. So much better. More stable. More confident. More self-assured. While still experiencing moments of insecurity, appropriate for someone who feels like a flower whose pedals might be a little too flashy to show off just yet. For now, I'll remain withdrawn a little while longer, waiting for a bright shining day to open up and say, "This is me! Just me!"
You know what's cool though? Is that each day that passes, I feel more and more prepared to take on the whole world.
Christy-Anne even said to me today, "Dude, Car, you rock! As long as you know that in your heart, you're golden!"
Oh my gosh, I love her.
posted by carlybish at 11:40 PM
2 Comments:
The edge of that level surface keeps movnig though huh
You know what, Richard? We talk online for an hour last night and you're so sweet, but then you comment, and you start with the meanness? What's with the meanness? Regardless, I still love you... Why do I do that?
(Ian. Smile.)
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