Krispy Kreme Confessions!

George is sitting next to me right now indulging in a Krispy Kreme doughnut and he's being ridiculous about it.

"This should be a sin," he says.

What should be a sin is sitting in a chair, licking glazed sugar off your fingers and grunting about it's goodness at the same time. The doughnut itself is not evil, but the act of eating it should be.

That aside...

Today, I am feeling disgruntled. There is so much I want to do and things I want to see happen and I feel like I'm incapable of accomplishing anything. It's a very strange feeling.

Here's something else that's strange. During my Foundation of Western Culture class today, I spent my time writing out brutally honest things that I have been too afraid to publish here or anywhere. As much as I'd like to believe that I am an honest person and open about my life through my blog (or blogs), there are many things I have suppressed for fear they will make me appear weak or as if I'm not over some things.

Perhaps I should be daring and break it down in some way?

Okay.

Basically, what I'd like to say, without coming off as arrogant or full of myself, is this:

I am a good girlfriend.

Great, even. As a matter of fact, I'm very talented at it. Supportive, encouraging, patient, tolerant--I'm generally very good at all these. And I'm not bragging. I'm actually trying very hard to give credit to God's work in my life. Yes. Because the whole reason why I am a good girlfriend is because this is how God has formed me. He has put a heart in me to love and I've chosen to believe in it and run with it... And all the things I wrote during class earlier today involved how terrible Andy was at being a boyfriend and how sad it is that he thought (and likely still thinks) that he was great. All because he liked buying me things and complimented me on what he found physically attractive about me, and that was rarely flattering.

Phew... Okay... So those last couple of sentences? Yeah... Probably the most difficult things to write since I started blogging... Seriously! To say something bad or remotely negative about someone else--I really, really, really, really don't like to do that. EVER. I am so tempted to delete the whole last paragraph, but I'm trying very hard to resist the urge.

But okay. For some weird reason, I feel like I had to share that. And that for nearly two years, I was in a relationship that was very critical and harsh, and in the end, abusive. And he would deny it until his last breath. But the truth of the matter is--I have met so many wonderful, beautiful people in the last six months and it is clear to me that you simply don't treat people that way. Especially when they've treated you so well! Andy told me that I would never find someone who would treat me better than he did or anyone who would be happy being with me just as I am. And I actually believed him for a minute or two! But how sorely mistaken he was. I have been subject to more kindness and emotional validity in the last month or two than I ever received in the entirety of that relationshop. Harsh, I know! But also, sadly, true...

Even though I'm over it all and I could care less what he's doing, I think I've had a need to write about this lurking in my subconscious, but I've been too mindful of his feelings to do so. But maybe I shouldn't be. He didn't care about mine until I said it was over, and even then, his "caring" was false. It's funny to write that and not feel any anger about it. I'm not angry anymore about how things turned out or how I was treated. But these things still happened and maybe I've just needed to get them out.

I still feel weird writing about this stuff, though. But I'm going to go through with it. I can't be afraid of what other people think. Especially people I never see or talk to or plan to see or talk to ever again.

And I have to say that I love people so much. And I love God so much for introducing me to the friends I've made here. I am so thankful... For all of them. George, Christy-Anne, Jeremy, Mike, Ed, Meg, Tony, Channa, Josh... Thanks for loving me, and not just parts about me, but all of me. You don't know what it means to me to be loved so unconditionally. And it's through these friends that God helps mold me and make me into a better person, a better follower of Christ, and as silly as it may be, an even better girlfriend.

(I'm still fighting the impulse to erase all the above, so I hope you appreciate it! Blah!)